The story of my favorite song

The video tells the story of John Newton who wrote the famous hymn "Amazing Grace". The song in this video is the movie's theme song "Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)" sung by Chris Tomlin. Credits to YoLITuBe5.

Year 2004, my mother died unexpectedly. Yes, she had an end stage renal disease, but my faith says that she's going to be healed, that she's going to live a longer life. So, that one gloomy morning, I was never expecting that she'll be rushed to the hospital... that she's gonna leave us just like that... In fact, I was singing to her, "Jesus, we enthrone You... we proclaim You are King". She's even asking for corned beef. 

When she was rushed to the hospital, I was praying and praying and praying. I was denouncing death. But Papa said, she's gone. She already left us. No, I didn't believe him. There ought to be a miracle. Jesus can raise people from the dead. I called my pastor and two best friends to pray for Mama. That moment, I was still hoping, I was still believing that she's still gonna make it... that she's still gonna breath... that her heart's still gonna beat. But after few hours, her body came home... lifeless... And her beautiful face has already lost its glow. Oh my dearest Mama, why did that ever happen?

That week before she died, I was singing this hymn:

God is too wise to be mistaken...
God is too good to be unkind...
If you don't understand, if you don't know His plan...
If you can't trace His hand, trust His heart.

I knew in my heart that our Sovereign God has purpose for everything. But this frail human heart in terrible pain, for me, had the right to ask God - why? Why?? Because, I was dreaming that someday, she's gonna be with me in the church. She's gonna sing with me. She's gonna raise her hand with me. She's gonna dance with me. We're going to worship God together. We will pray together. I knew that it's God's will. "Believe in Me, you and your household will be saved." God said that. But what I was dreaming of, what my heart was delightfully imagining of, will no longer happen. It's gone as my Mama's breath was gone...

And I deeply regret, beyond words - I wasn't able to say "I love you" to Mama, not even once. Even though I dearly love her, I haven't uttered those words to her, not even a whisper. I regret that she hadn't had an opportunity to hear those words from me... she never heard that Mama is so special to her only daughter. That would make her happy for sure. And her sickness, somehow, would be more bearable. Aahh... the dreadful anguish was doubled... even multiplied...  That's the biggest regret of my life... 

After her burial, after all the people was gone, our home which was once bright and cheerful, was no longer radiant. The light of our little home was gone. I can no longer hug and kiss my Mama. Our home will never be the same. I weep and weep and weep and sobbed to the top of my whole being until the tears were gone. I will never ever forget my agonizing cry that day. I have never felt that miserable... the worst thing that ever happened in my life.

I always dream of her. I've dreamed that she's wearing a floral blouse and pants and that she's just going to another country. She's lovely and she's saying goodbye, then I woke up. After a span of time, I've dreamed of her again. She's wearing the same colorful, floral clothes. She just came back. Strange. But there's a dream that pierced right through my soul, a dream that seemed to take away my misery. Mama was lying beside me. And there was light shining brightly. And though I couldn't tell the exact words she said, I know she's telling me about the love of Jesus, how beautiful heaven is, how gracious God is. And I heard the voices of angels singing,

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
that saved a wretched like me.
I once was lost but now I'm found...
was blind but now I see.

And I felt inexplicable joy. The thorn which had been tormenting me had been uprooted, instantly.

I have never felt that peace after she's gone. Not until that dream. I've come to know more that God's grace is truly amazing. I might not able to bring her to church anymore. But I know, she accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior before she died. I know that she believed in her heart that Jesus can heal her. I know she left us in peace because she was smiling, while I was singing, while she was in my arms, before she died. And someday, in the most glorious place, in the Holy of Holies, where there will no longer be sickness, pain and tears, my dream will finally come true, we will worship God together.

Mama was very proud of me because I graduated --- -----.
She was a beauty queen during her time. (Unfortunately, I didn't get her "looks"! Hehe...)
She's already sick here. :(

I LOVE YOU MAMA!

All the best,

^_^